It’s that time of the year when our dream of a perfect family will be tested…. when we will be forced to deal with the reality of our family dynamics.

We all grow up with an illusion of a perfect family.

For some of us, our lives are spent trying hard to hold on to an image of a perfect family portrait- and wonder why it just doesn’t seem to hold despite our efforts.

For others, we resign to our reality – only, unfortunately, branding our families as toxic or narcissistic. And maybe, there’s some truth to that.

I have been on both ends of the spectrum.

I believe in die-hard loyalty. I believe in family. I have staked my all. And felt betrayed.

I have been forced to look at the reality of my family and accept the truth. We were far from perfect. And maybe some would truly pass for toxic.

Maybe, just like me, you’re wondering if there’s hope for peace and reconciliation. Can there be joy and laughter again? Can we just have some semblance of family?

As we come to the end of the year, and you’re wondering about family, that unsettled feud, and that family member you haven’t talked to in a while, allow me to share my learnings through turbulent family relationships.

1. Every family has a degree of dysfunction that stems from where both parents came from and how it affected their personality.

2. Every sibling will process the family situation uniquely depending on their temperament and their relationship with either parent.

3. For you to overcome the family situation, you will need to assess where your parents came from, how it affected them, and how it affected their relationship with you as an individual.

This will help you to understand them and lend them grace for their failings.

4. Taking this journey will empower you to heal and forgive your parents.

For the most part, they made mistakes, wrong choices and decisions from the place of their wounded souls.

Once you are able to do this, you will find it in your heart to experience empathy for your parents, and your eyes will begin to open to how your siblings processed your family setting and how it affected their own choices and decisions.

Don’t get me wrong. Am not asking you to rush the process, get on to the next bus, and have a family meeting over Christmas.

By the way, family meetings to discuss dysfunction go awfully wrong. Don’t even try it.

This conversation is about us breaking the cycle, rewriting the script and allowing ourselves to experience true joy, first as individuals – then within families.

It’s about us accepting our reality, but refusing to be tied down by the weight of negativity and instead choosing to carry with us the lessons, wisdom and punctuations of beautiful experiences.

One of the things I learnt this year is forbearance. There’s stuff about other people, and even ourselves, that we have to accept.

Agape love is about accepting others and extending the love of God even when they don’t deserve it.

It’s about experiencing the healing grace of God, drawing from the love of God, and graciously making the choice to love others.

Maybe this is the true meaning of Christmas.

And hey, if you’re not there yet, it’s okay to take time away, heal and genuinely love when it’s time to reconnect.

Till then, let’s not label them.

They are just perfectly imperfect. And so are we.

Have a Joyful Christmas, won’t you?Safari Njema!